Parenting Ain't Easy - Part 3

Parenting ain’t easy, but it does not have to be overwhelming.  Parenting is one of the “big stuff things” in life where just a little bit of intentionality can go a long, long way.

As school starts back, I’ve been sharing a couple of my own experiences. I hope they are helpful to you.  

Experience #3: Make Sure the Punishment Fits the Crime 

The Mennonite community near Lancaster, Ky. did not use modern conveniences like electricity, radio, television, or automobiles. I was fortunate to experience worship and a small glimpse of daily life with this precious community of believers while completing an ethnography project for a doctoral course called Cultural Anthropology. 

When my partner Billy Beard and I decided to study the Mennonite community Professor Whitehead told us that making contact with this community was very difficult. They were a shy bunch who did not trust outsiders and wouldn’t talk much beyond sales agreements. I’ll never forget the words of Billy, who carried a deep Southern accent and had been on the varsity cheer squad for Mississippi State football team.  He said, “Don’t worry; two Southern boys will know how to make friends.” Sure enough, Billy made a phone call or two and we made a trip down near Lancaster. We visited every little store in town that day and just chatted with the folks there. We ended up meeting town elder after town elder. Pictures were not allowed, but as they day went on they began to share more and more about their way of life. At the end of the day we received an invitation to return for church on Sunday. 

Church was an amazing sight. Horses and buggies came from every corner of the church grounds. Everyone was dressed in their Sunday best, but the only colors we saw were black and white. The building was a white square wooden structure with plenty of windows to let the sunlight in. Outhouses were off to the side. Once inside, the men, women, boys, and girls sat in four prearranged sections. The songs were in German, but the preacher preached in English that day because they had guests… Billy and me. 

Right before worship Billy and I were standing out front with a group of men in a circle sharing pleasantries. Halfway through the conversation a teenage rider came barreling over the hill in a one horse carriage. He swept within about three feet of the circle of men and took a sharp right turn into a stable and came to an abrupt halt. One of the men looked at me with exasperation and said, “Those teenagers and their fast horses.” 

Wow!  The pristine, isolated culture of Mennonites who didn’t share electricity, T.V., radio, or automobiles with me shared the same parenting struggles. I left that day thinking less about the preaching and more about how that teenager would be disciplined for his reckless driving that morning. 

Let’s be honest. No matter who we are children test us in ways that we didn’t know we could be tested. They are very constant and they have this annoying habit of being completely separate people than we are and totally human. They think and act on their own. As parents, we have the amazing responsibility of directing youthful zeal toward something good, helpful, healthy, and holy. At the end of the day, we can’t control them. We can only influence their behavior in the right direction. In the midst of being tested as a parent it’s easy to let our emotions start to guide our parenting. But a deep breath and a second thought is almost always the right approach. When our emotions get in the way, especially after a sleepless night or a long day at work we can end up doing more harm than good. Children will misbehave. A response that is too harsh or too weak ends up being harmful to the child instead of helpful. 

One of the hardest parts of parenting is to let the punishment fit the crime.

A wise man once said, “Spare the rod and spoil the child” and we have completely misunderstood what he said for most of the 20th and 21st centuries. Spanking a child is neither condemned nor condoned in Proverbs. The rod that is mentioned many times in Proverbs is best understood as a pole that guides an animal and not a paddle. The image could have even been one of a Shepherd’s staff with a hook on the end meant to redirect a sheep. Sure, sometimes the livestock had to be slapped on the rear a little to get it to go in the right direction but the purpose of the rod was always to protect the animal from harm or guide it toward food and shelter. It was never to harm the animal, expel anger upon it, or seek vengeance from it. In this sense, the punishment fit the crime. If the animal wondered it could be gently redirected. If the animal wondered swiftly it might need to be jerked with the hook or swatted from the side to get it to head the right way.  I know, no analogy is perfect.

King Solomon alluded to this rod several times in the book of Proverbs. He referred to it as the rod of correction, discipline, or guidance… but never the rod of whipping, spanking, or beating

Two of the places where it is mentioned are:

            Proverbs 13:24 - He who spares the rod hates his son,
                        but he who loves him is careful to discipline him. (NIV)

            Proverbs 29:15 - The rod of correction imparts wisdom,
                        but a child left to himself disgraces his mother. (NIV) 

Discipline and correction do not have to be harsh to be effective, and that’s not the point of these proverbs. Discipline and correction should be rooted in love for the child. Parental influence is lost when discipline is too harsh. We easily misunderstand the purpose of discipline and punishment as “making the child feel bad” or “controlling their behavior” when the real purpose of discipline as found in Proverbs is “correction that contributes to the child’s education and training in righteousness.”

One verse that has been the most misinterpreted is Proverbs 23:13.

            Proverbs 23:13 - Do not withhold discipline from a child;
                        if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. (NIV)

This verse appears to say that if you really, really beat a child he may come within an inch of death, but he won’t die, so go ahead and beat him. However, a second look considered in the context of other verses about discipline and correction tells the full story. The idea behind the verse is that discipline helps the child live a full and healthy life.  If the child dies prematurely it would be a consequence of not being trained...  not being discipline. Discipline is never the cause of near death, lack of discipline is. The verse is very literal. Discipline the child to stay away from the field with the snakes, the creek with the rushing water, and the portion of forest with dangerous prey and they will actually live to see adulthood. 

The stakes were high back in those days, but not that much different than today. Children need discipline and correction, but not too little and not too much. So, do what is necessary to keep a child from harm and direct them toward healthy living, but make sure that the punishment fits the crime.  Don’t over do it and don’t under do it. 

I once heard a mom, on Tuesday (that’s important); yell at a child at Disney World to tell him, “If you don’t get off that fence we are going to go home right now!”  Everybody, and I mean everybody, knew the mom was bluffing. It was Tuesday in the middle of the day. Mom was not headed back to Virginia because the child wouldn’t get off the fence. A better punishment might have been no desert with lunch, or some kind of chore duty back at the campsite. On the other hand the mom could have just ignored the child and let him fall into the Pirates of the Caribbean exhibit. 

As imperfect as my parenting has been, I’m thankful that the times I’ve used the rod of discipline, correction, and guidance to expel anger upon my children has been rare. I have not ignored the rod, nor have I been too harsh with it. For the most part I’ve been able to take a breath, a step back, and consider a punishment that fit the crime… not to harsh, not to weak… something that fit just right… even when they have driven their one horse carriages too fast.

Just sayin’