Health & Fitness
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There is no more entertaining magazine out there than SkyMall. Where else can you find a Gangnam Style singing toothbrush?
Oh, SkyMall. Is there any more entertaining magazine printed today? I say to you there is not.
For those of you who do not know what SkyMall is, let me explain. It is a catalogue masquerading as a magazine that is found in every seat back pocket on an airplane seat I've ever been in. It isn't really it's own thing, but a compilation of the 'best of' several other catalogues, and some (but not many) random items. By 'best of', I mean 'most ridiculous', or perhaps 'most uselessly extravagant' or, alternatively, 'illustrations of what most people from other countries think is wrong with Americans.'
I recently found myself on a flight, and grabbed the SkyMall magazine before the plane even pushed back from the terminal. I was not disappointed. The very first page advertised a service which allowed you to put your very own family photos on a ViewMaster type reel. I'm sorry, but my family photos are disturbing enough without being in 3-D. A few pages later was an astro-turf covered rectangle with a miniature fire hydrant planted on it, designed to give apartment dwelling dogs a place to 'go'. I don't even know what to say about that one. The camera pen with internal USB drive reminded me of either Get Smart or Men In Black. I couldn't decide if it was silly or scary. You can also get a carbon fiber money clip for the low low price of $149.95.
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There are some substantial (and pricey) pieces of furniture for sale. What I don't know is which person, exactly, with a $1000.00 budget for a novelty card table, sits on an airplane and says to themselves, "Yes. This is the table I've been looking for. I'll call these SkyMall people at the $5.00 a minute on-the-airplane-rate and have it delivered." Same goes for the $300.00 'floating' desk.
Somebody must, or these things wouldn't exist. Product placement people probably elbow each other out of the way for the premium pages in SkyMall.
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I guess I don't know why anyone buys anything in these non-conventional ways. I mean, someone is buying the telemarketers' sales pitch, or the companies wouldn't keep hiring (and paying) telemarketers. Who are these people for real? I have sympathy for the eldery and limited folks who get taken in by fraud, but surely there has to be a greater volume than that in order to justify the expenses of those call centers. So who are these people with no excuse who allow a 'free home security estimate by a Trained Professional' shilled by some bored stranger into their homes? Who gives the telemarketing companies the money with which to telemarket? Anyway, if I can figure out who these people are, I may call them myself (during dinner, of course, or perhaps at 8:00am on a Saturday) and force them to buy a piece of my mind. I limit it to that because I insist of obeying the law. My fantasies go a whole lot further.
I remember when my children were little and first exposed to advertising. They trusted me, and the other adults in their lives. So naturally they trusted Debbie whatsherface when she told them in no uncertain terms that if we didn't buy her green bags our lettuce and other vegetables would turn into a sludgepile of gelatinous goo before we even got them out of the grocery sacks, whereas the Green Bagged lettuce would stay crisp and healthy into the forseeable future -- long past the nuclear apocalypse, remaining juicy and nutritious for the cockroaches to feed on once they got tired of the only other survivor, the Hostess Twinkie. They were appalled that I didn't rush to the phone and call. The payments were EASY. And LOW. They had no idea what shipping and handling was, but they knew if we didn't call in the next ten minutes we would be forever doomed to mushy carrots. When my daughter was about five, she saw a commercial for the AlumaWallet, and she instantly believed with a religious intensity that my husband and I should get one because that thing could get run over by a TRUCK and not even get SCRATCHED. We all know how tragically often our wallets get run over by trucks and our dollar bills irredeemably flattened. Oh, the humanity.
Ok, so here's the deal. Maybe the fire hydrant set in astro turf really does make someone's apartment dwelling lapdog happy. And maybe I would prevent my credit cards from damage if I had the AlumaWallet protecting them on the off chance someone sitting next to me at the movies was carrying a large rare-earth magnet. I'm not saying these products don't do the things they say they will. I'm just saying that even though I know it would be a total buzzkill, I would love to see just one page in these catalogues comparing how many hours of supervision a young child can have in a Boys and Girls Club or how many days of housing a woman can have in a domestic violence shelter for the price of that pet-calming thundershirt. Of course, that probably wouldn't help sales, and without sales there would be no more SkyMall for my entertainment. Besides, I really did like the way that Swarovski Crystal pen looked and how it would sparkle under the lovely fluorescent lights in my office.