My last blog post was about how I am tired of getting all this impractical advice from women's magazines that just make me feel inadequate. So, for today's post, I decided to follow my own advice. I always tell my children this: don't tell me what you don't want, tell me what you do want. I need solutions, not more problems.
So, to that end, I offer you the following preview of the articles in the as-of-yet-unpublished magazine "Woman’s Actual Day", which is a magazine that doesn’t even exist yet, but consists of the kinds of articles I want to read. (The name is still open to debate – feel free to offer your own name or article suggestion in the comments below.)
I Planted an Herb Garden! And Some of it Didn't Die!
You can see the pride in Sheryl Wattinger's face as she shows off her herb garden. "Here's how it started," she told us. "I was washing dishes, and the kids were watching Spongebob. That squirrel -- whatshername? -- Sally? Sandy? Anyway, she had an herb garden. I always wanted one, and I thought, darnit, if a stupid talking squirrel that lives on the ocean floor in a glass bubble can have an herb garden, so can I. It only took me a half hour to load up the kids in to the car. We ran up to Lowe's and I bought whatever herbs they happened to have and went home and planted them." When asked how she prepared the bed for planting, Sheryl replied, "Oh, that was easy. When we bought the house, the builders had put in a flower bed right here. Everything they planted died after the first year, so all I had to do was to cover up the weeds with some pine bark and plant the herbs. The thyme and cilantro died right away, but that's ok, since I don't really know what to do with thyme, and cilantro already comes in salsa, so I don't know what I'd use that for either. There was this other spiky looking plant, and it held on for about three months, and then just disappeared one day. But look at this! There are some clumps of oregano over here, and the rosemary looks like it is actually growing!" We asked Sheryl what she planned on doing with the oregano and rosemary. She said, "Well, rosemary beef stew, of course, and the oregano we'll use with my organic whole wheat pizza dough and the goat cheese I get from -- oh, I can't even say that with a straight face," she concluded, and began to laugh until tears streamed down her face.
A Saturday Morning Miracle
Leslie Wilson managed to pull off an impossible feat a few weeks ago. Leslie attributes this accomplishment to divine intervention, as no worldly explanation fully explains the occurrence. We'll let her tell her own story:
Last weekend, my husband 'had' to play in this golf tournament with his boss, so I was left with three kids, and three activities in three different parts of town all within a half hour of each other. I could just tell when I woke up that things were going my way. I woke up before the alarm, and managed to get in and out of the shower before the kids came in to bother me. I was up so early, I had time to make the kids toaster waffles! What a treat it was for them! I knew it was going to be a good day, but I didn't know it was going to be miraculous until, get this, all three kids came out of their bedrooms after breakfast fully dressed and wearing both shoes. I honestly don't know how it happened. Then the real fun began. Tyler had a soccer tournament that began at 10 on the east side of town. I actualy got him there by 9:55! And -- get this -- we got all the way there without anyone screeching about her brother touching her. I dropped him off, and headed over to the west side of town for Morgan's karate exhibition that started at 10:30. We hit an unusual number of red lights, so I was getting nervous, but we got there by 10:20, which gave her plenty of time to change into her ghi. I swept Ashley back into the car, and we made it to Timmy's birthday party, which is near our house by 11:02 -- only two minutes late! While I was there, I saw Lindsay Smith -- her daughter is that Maggie girl that Ashley is always talking about. I begged Lindsay to let Ashley come home with her from the party, and she agreed. I managed to get back to Tyler's soccer game in time to see the last ten minutes of the game, and we got to Morgan's karate thing in time to see her get her participation medal. Since Ashley was at Maggie's, we had time to run by McDonald's for a celebratory lunch. It was the best day ever. I have no idea what I did to deserve such good fortune. God is good!
Some other titles of some articles that will be included:
Detroit Woman Only Gains 13 1/2 Pounds Between Thanksgiving and Christmas -- She Shares Her Tips for Success Exclusively With Us!
How to 'Clean' Using Decorative Wicker Baskets
Pediatricians Speak Out: If Your Home is Too Clean, Your Children Won't Develop Proper Immunities
Five Recipes Your Kids Will Love that Use only Boxes and Cans of Stuff as Ingredients
Drinking More Wine is Good for You!
Housework Counts as Exercise! Why Join a Gym?
Our Readers Speak Out: Would you rather hug someone warm and soft, or someone skinny and brittle?
Woman’s Actual Day will have a very strict advertising policy. All models must be completely devoid of pancake makeup, and no smaller than a size 12. Airbrushing is not allowed. We will not accept ads from any company promising anything that doesn't deliver within the first fifteen minutes in our test homes. Convenience foods will get product placement priority. Every issue will come with a monthly contest (you only have to be a subscriber to enter -- who has time to fill out those stupid cards and mail them in or go to some website to find your secret code?) that rewards the winner with six months’ worth of maid and lawn service. Second place gets a month's worth of those frozen meal thingies that get delivered in a truck.
I don't know about you, but I'd read it every month, even if I had to hide in the bathroom to do it.