Life Imitating Blog

Recently, Patch blogger, Jason Brooks brought up an interesting perspective in a blog about “The Pros and Cons of Choice.” And this past week, there were comments made on a Facebook page about abortion in which several men finally did admit, that since they really weren’t equipped with the reproductive parts in question, it was probably easier for them to make an “I would” or “you should” sort of judgment without any real knowledge of how it might actually feel to a woman faced with choices.

I have my own views on these things – being “equipped” with those reproductive organs that make it my choice. I’ve also been on the very hard adult end of watching young women struggle with pregnancies and helping them through to the right counselors and doctors.

And I was also one of those single, unwed moms. And that’s what I’m going to address in this blog.

I felt pretty confident of my own opinions and where I actually stand on matters of abortion and preventing pregnancies – both legally and spiritually. That is until my youngest told me over the weekend that a childhood friend was 14-weeks pregnant. At 17, she had made the adult decision to keep her baby, and a baby shower was in the works. Sooo … wow.

My heart and soul ached for this young girl. The daughter of what we’ll call “God fearing parents,” she’s pretty much on her own at this time living with an aunt.

And I was there – sort of. I’ve come to understanding that EVERYBODY has a story and every single one of them is unique. Mine was one of a hopeful and stupidly romantic heart that had to make some difficult decisions – not at 17, but at 34.

I’m not going to go into all the things that made me realize “this man” was not “the man”, but I can tell you it was the hardest day of my life to walk into my parents’ home and tell them, “I’m pregnant and I’m not marrying the father.” By my choice, I was not going to marry. My folks argued vehemently with me, “You MUST! What will the neighbors think? How will we face our friends? And then the church … “

But I was certain of a few things in this time of uncertainty:  1) I couldn’t handle an abortion; 2) At 34 and being told I could never have children because of some health problems, I was pregnant – so there was something indeed special about this child; 3) I really only could be peaceful with my decision if my mom and dad were on board with me – they were shocked for about a half hour, but then all just moved forward; and 4) I had an overwhelming sense of rightness in the face of many, many wrongs.

I had my beautiful daughter; we lived in our enchanted home with our golden retriever and a female tabby cat named Romeo. My circumstances were different than this young lady’s in that I was a career woman with a home of my own and the means to support us both. But wanting to make sure that I didn’t appear a woman of “loose morals,” or labelled “a slut or a whore,” I didn’t date. I worked, I socialized occasionally with friends who also had children and lived a quiet existence in our little neighborhood where the folks were generous and loving enough to accept a single woman and her child.

And as I prayed one night in thankfulness for our blessings, I determined I would find my way back to a church so that I could worship this God that had given to me so generously.

I started at the church of my youth. It was a place I remembered colored with love and smiles. But then, as a youth, I wasn’t an unwed mother. I remember the first visit vividly; so many people were so uncomfortable and really in a large church, which class do we put her in? Can’t put her in the adult singles … that Jezebel. And definitely not the young married group. And heck, forget about letting her lead one of the youth groups! Straight to hell in a handbasket … They tried. I’ll give them that. But no one seemed to be able to look me in the eye. Maybe they just couldn’t relate, or maybe the stigma was just too much for them to overcome.

And so began my journey “back.” And after a year of censorship by “God fearing” people, I gave up. Went back to my heathen ways of praying quietly at home and asking important questions of learned preachers who had become my friends. I do believe that many of them were sincerely welcoming, but it was just too hard to overcome that unwed mother stigma within the church.

And yes, after about 10 years, I found a church home in Loganville that said  “Meh. So you’re a sinner. So are we … will you bring a casserole on Wednesday?” O.K. Not their EXACT words …

So back to this young girl who is a friend of my daughter. You have to wonder if she would receive the same church welcome I did those many years ago? Or would she receive loving support?

It just seems to me that those people who are petitioning for life at conception are the same ones who keep their children in the dark about the responsibilities of sexual relations and forbid contraceptives while picketing clinics and expounding that women do not have a choice – yeah – these people are the same ones who typically whisper and vilify a woman who has decided to own up to the responsibility and raise their child – stigmas and hardships aside, they are trying their best to do the “right” thing. By their own choice, they decided to NOT abort … so where’s the support?

Makes no sense to me. So when my daughter asked “what should I do?” My advice was to buy lots of diapers for the baby shower, give her lots of attention, love and babysitting points. And remind her constantly that she wasn't alone (and to "be there") and someday, most probably, this beautiful baby would grow into an awesome big sister like hers.