My seven-year-old son recently played his first season of soccer. Although we had a great time cheering for his team, I must admit that they were a pretty sad bunch of players. Out of the whole season, they lost every game but the very last one and we were so relieved that they managed to somehow pull off a win.
So, I was shocked when the coach asked us to stick around for a trophy ceremony after the game. The sweaty kids lined up and as they called each child up to receive his or her trophy, my mind wandered to the all the games that they had played. Sure, I had screamed my head off in excitement when my son kicked the ball into the goal or did an awesome block.
Yet, most of the time, the children were actually playing a spontaneous game of tag in the middle of the game. Several times a befuddled child kicked the ball into the wrong goal and scored a point for the other team. There were numerous moments when I saw one little boy pick his nose while gazing up at a plane that flew overhead as the ball rolled past him. One time, they competed with a team who actually knew how to play and it was painful to watch.
Back at the ceremony, I tried to rally and be the supportive Mom who clapped the loudest when my son grasped his trophy. In the back of mind I wondered, was it wrong to hand out trophies to a losing team?
My son must have felt the same way because on the drive home he asked from the back seat of the car, "Why did I get this trophy again, we only won one game?" I was stumped and didn't quite know how to answer his question. "Uh, to remember how much fun you had playing the games." I said. He accepted that answer and set the trophy down on the seat next to him.
Later, I was dusting off the shelf that held his prize (and his plastic swimming metal that he received just for showing up for swimming lessons) when I accidentally knocked his soccer trophy off of the shelf. The shiny soccer player that had been perched on top broke off and I felt horrible.
I set the pieces off to the side with the intention of buying glue at the store to fix it. I must admit that when I went to back fix it, the soccer player was actually missing. I'm suspecting thet he is currently driving a toy firetruck in his younger brother's room.
My son has not even noticed that the trophy is broken, which leads me to wonder, just how important is a trophy to a child when they didn't actually earn it? What message does it send children when they are given empty praise?
I know that the intention must be good to reward all participants, but I remember that when I was a kid, if you had a trophy on display, it meant that you had worked hard and earned it. There was one winner and if you felt bad about losing, then you worked harder the next time. What messages are we sending kids today?
What kind of adults will they turn out to be? Will they all show up to work and expect a ribbon for showing up on time? Are all the empty trophies going to create entitled adults who crave recognition? Maybe I'm over thinking this, though. Perhaps they will all end up feeling extremely valued when they grow up.
Until then, I will try to be honest with my kids when they get their "just because" trophy and let them know that every kid got one to remember the experience by. We will designate a special spot for the ones that they actually earn and give them an extra pat on the back when they do. Hopefully, both of my boys will learn the value of hard work, despite the easy rewards that may come their way.
Do you think that it's okay to reward children even when they didn't earn it or do you think it's important to make sure that every child feels important? Please share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.
Susan
12:47 pm on Wednesday, February 8, 2012
They already get to work and expect to get a medal just for showing up. It's a sad state of affairs with work ethics these days.
You can probably tell what I think about trophies for everybody.
Susan
Risa Haynes
1:09 pm on Wednesday, February 8, 2012
I think I agree with your sentiment here, Leigh. Empty praise is just that - empty. I'm sure after some of those really bad losses, you sat down and had a little chat with your son about trying hard regardless of the outcome or working harder for the win (even though in team sports, no one person wins or loses). It seems like one of two things to me:
1)The trophy is supposed to make up for a parent's lack of involvement/ over-involvement
2)It's a way to charge more for the class/team from the outset and make a little profit.
Personally, I feel like the important trophy is the bonding experience your kid gets with his/her teammates and parents. Memories are excellent trophies.
Leigh Hewett
3:24 pm on Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Well said, Risa.
Jane Kidd
1:56 pm on Wednesday, February 8, 2012
As a Mom of a 29 year-old son who just moved for the 3rd time and had to unpack and decide what to do with a box full of trophys and medals for soccer, football, baseball, etc., I can tell you what my son and I did. First, we marveled at the numbers....8, 10 12 trophys and 6 - 8 medals. Then we stripped off the metal plates with his name, the team name and year on them and combined them with the medals and reduced the stash to a box that would hold approximately two decks of cards.We sent the trophys, sans plaques, to the yard sale pile. That experience leads me to believe that a small personalized medal or "baseball card-sized" plaque with the child's name, team name, year and maybe win-loss record would be a more than adequate remembrance of the team fun. Leave the trophys for a huge region-wide championship and let IT be kept at the Y or Rec. Dept. or school. The young kids don't need a trophy for just playing on a team.
Leigh Hewett
3:24 pm on Wednesday, February 8, 2012
I like the idea of a plaque for remembrance.
Jesse
2:24 pm on Wednesday, February 8, 2012
I don't know, my gut feeling is that it's not that big of a deal if every kid on the team gets a trophy. Maybe it will encourage teamwork instead of singling out one child. My son has received many participation trophies and he was so excited and proud to get them. I think that it's nice to have a memento of the time spent on the team.
tiffanie
2:59 pm on Wednesday, February 8, 2012
I'm with Jesse on this. I don't think it's a big deal to get a participation trophy, medal, whatever. It makes sense to make it something small, but there's nothing wrong with a memento. As a person who was never good at sports and a parent of a child who has gross motor skills at the bottom of the spectrum, I truly believe in participating in physical activity for the sake of it, instead of winning a trophy. If there's never any recognition for sportsmanship or participation, there are a lot of kids who will get left behind. Clearly, a good coach and good parents can instill those values without a trinket, but to some kids, the trinket means something. I don't think the praise is empty, either. The praise is,"Hey, you put yourself out there! That's great!" The "real" athletes will always get their bigger trophies and championship medals, etc. And, our kids will grow up knowing the difference between that and their participation medals... But really, I think putting some value on playing the game,getting physically active and being brave and getting out there in the first place is important.
Leigh Hewett
3:17 pm on Wednesday, February 8, 2012
I can totally see your perspective on this and could see the value in celebrating the fact that they put themselves out there and tried. Although I will say that if a person were to walk into my house, my son would proudly lead them to our refrigerator to show off the sticker he earned on his Math quiz for making a perfect score before he would show anyone his participation trophies. I know that every child is different, I just noticed that my child didn't seem to place much value on the trophy he felt like he didn't earn. I also think that it depends on the parents and how they talk to their child about why they earned the trophy.
tiffanie
3:36 pm on Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Leigh, of course he would! Because, even though participation trophies are being handed out, kids and adults alike know the difference between the winners and participants. So, clearly, getting a perfect score on a math quiz is something special. But, I don't think we can assume that we get nothing from remembering our participation. Otherwise, why would people wear their shirts from participating in a 5K or put those 13.1 stickers on their cars after completing a half marathon? There was only one real winner in those races, but participating and finishing was a big deal. To some, it is a bigger deal than others! I just see that as the grown up version of a similar thing.
Also, there are sports leagues out there that are more competitive than others. The less competitive ones are about learning to work in a team and enjoy the game for the sake of just playing. They exist for different purposes. If a child is driven to excel at sports and would benefit from a more competitive environment, likely, they would just go to the competitive team and get that reinforcement.
Laruren
4:30 pm on Wednesday, February 8, 2012
I think that parents like Tiffanie want to take the competition out of competitive sports. Why play at all if you don't play to win? In a world where everyone is extaordinary, people will end up being ordinary.
Leigh Hewett
5:46 pm on Wednesday, February 8, 2012
In Tiffanie's defense, I actually see her point and don't think that it's fair to label her like that. Not once do I see that she wants to take away competition. To some, participation alone may give them a sense of pride, I can see that. I just see more and more that the generation after us seems to be more entitled in general. I hope that we can strike a balance with our children and that they learn the value of hard work. If a child works hard to participate, then the trophy will mean something to them. If a child doesn't put in their best effort and they know it and are given a trophy anyway, that is when I feel that the praise could be empty.
Melanie Hennings
8:45 pm on Wednesday, February 8, 2012
I think we use to get certificates of participation, which in my opinion would be fine...we could put a big colorful sticker on it. Paper is great and recyclable. I hate to think of all the plastic (etc.) that is used to make these trinkets that are really going to fill the landfill one day and will serve as dust collectors on shelves in the meantime. Kids do notice the difference between earned and unearned trophies so I'm not sure it waters down the meaning. However, you have to keep upping the prize accordingly as well. Praise in general is the real problem...Alfie Kohn's book Punished by Rewards is a real eye opener. As a teacher, I see where kids expect a piece of candy, prize, or grade for everything or it's not worth doing. How I wish that I got a prize for every dishwasher that I unload, etc. That is one of the true problems that I see with this...and that is just the tip of the trophy.
Scarlet Buckley
9:27 pm on Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Good point about the wastefulness of all these plaques and trophies. Ultimately, I do think the emphasis should be on effort and not being better than, though i'm not sure we need trophies to make the "way to work as a team" point, I'm not a very competitve person. And I do agree that empty praise is a problem in our culture. This being said, I, like Tiffanie, have a child who would and should be very proud of any time he puts himself out "there". To praise my son for being part of a team or completing a course or race would in no way be empty.
Linda Labbo
7:59 am on Thursday, February 9, 2012
I think if the "reason" a child earns a trophy is given, then the trophy experience can be a good thing. Participation awards can be valued. As an ex elementary room teacher, I did give out awards but I had categories for awards that were important to not only personal achievements but to being a valued member of our classroom (e.g., community). So, a "most improved" award was valued by a 5th grade child who began the school year reading at a 2nd grade level and made i t up to grade level. A "most thoughtful" was given to the child who consistently helped classmates who had dropped books, or misplaced items., and so it goes... We need to be more thoughtful and provide children with genuine reasons for why the receive awards.. make the praise praiseworthy indeed.
Leigh Hewett
9:13 am on Thursday, February 9, 2012
I like this idea, I would have felt better about the ceremony if they were given "most soccer goals" or "best blocker" or even "most spirited" on the trophy plaque.
Lisa G
8:42 am on Thursday, February 9, 2012
What kind of adults will they turn out to be? Will they all show up to work and expect a ribbon for showing up on time?
Why is it that the first thing people speak about when worrying over their children is how they will perform at their future job? Who knows if they'll even hold a job? Or if they will even make it to adulthood. If you're on a team that plays soccer only in name, it makes perfect sense that each child would get a nominal trophy.
Lisa G
8:48 am on Thursday, February 9, 2012
I just see more and more that the generation after us seems to be more entitled in general
Leigh, every previous generation thinks this, it is the sentiment that occurs when you begin to forget your childhood.
Leigh Hewett
9:06 am on Thursday, February 9, 2012
I can appreciate what you're saying here but I'd like to take that sentiment a step further, for my children at least. I take my responsibility seriously to guide them to adulthood the best that I can. Only they can choose their path but I believe that the lessons that they learn now will follow them into adulthood. I move forward with the attitude that they will hold a job as adults and hope for the best. I know that might sound idealistic to some but a good work ethic will take you far in life. I hope that the current generation of parents can manage to instil that in their children as well. I don't think that a participation trophy is going to set a child up for failure in the future but I do believe that it's sending mixed messages. It will be interesting to see the trail of trophies that are left behind in their path and where that path takes them.
Karsten Torch
12:53 pm on Thursday, February 9, 2012
Leigh - excellent post. This is one of the things that has always bothered me about the direction of kids' sports. Not keeping score because you don't want the losing team to feel bad; limiting scores during kids' games so that one team doesn't get just absolutely killed because, again, they might take a blow to their precious self-esteem; and not allowing cheerleaders to do cheers that say anything negative about the other side - all cheers have to be purely positive. Combine these with useless participation trophies, and you wind up wtih kids that can't handle the real world. Can't cope when they fail a class. Can't handle real life when things don't go their way. And most importantly, have zero drive to succeed. If they've always been taught it's OK to be mediocre, then they'll always be mediocre.
Needless to say, I'm not a fan of this. I know I should come right out and say that, as I hide it so well, but there it is.....
Sharon Swanepoel
2:16 pm on Thursday, February 9, 2012
I heard a good analogy somewhere - can't quite remember where - maybe John Stossel. Do you want someone who didn't quite make the grade, but was always moved along so as not to hurt his/her feelings, packing your parachute?
Jason Brooks
2:38 pm on Thursday, February 9, 2012
As someone who played competitive sports as a kid, I don't see the harm in acknowledging someone's participation in a league, even if their team stunk. I coached my daughter's soccer team this fall and had a blast--and was thankful we didn't keep score--and so did she. Now, she knew at the end of every game that our team had gotten absolutely destroyed, but I reminded her that the league existed just to help kids learn the fundamentals of soccer, nothing more.
I think the emphasis on everyone getting a trophy came about because of what awarding only the winners taught them--that they were demi-gods, somehow better than their teammates, somehow better than the world, all because they excelled at a particular sporting skill. That's entitlement too, you know?